breaking free from the disordered

I realized something. something important, so important that this past month I've become a person I've never met before.

my ex husband is a Narcissist. yes, with a capital N. not your garden-variety ego, but a shattered, disordered, defective mind.

my own insanity suddenly makes sense. I felt a weird shift, almost like that feeling you get on a rope swing when you manage to get it going so high the rope slackens before gravity pulls you back, and you let go so that you float, with no handhold, no grasp on anything tangible.

you float.

it seems forever, and if only gravity weren't there inertia would carry you away. but gravity is there and it takes long, long fractions of seconds to realize the ground is approaching you very fast... bone-breakingly, terrifyingly fast.

before I was fully aware of having left the swing, I landed on my feet, disoriented. all of this took place over a few days, but I rode the swing for 15 years, with never a rest, never a chance to let go and rest.

for the last couple of weeks I've read, inventoried, studied, listed. I've watched how my kids interact and react. I've considered my own self as well, my twisted reactions. I think I'm starting to feel the ground beneath my feet.

the rope is still swinging, by itself. it still begs us to get on and ride.