someday

this degree of loneliness won't last forever. it's only because I can't quite make ends meet, because I have a very high-maintenance 5-year-old princess and no time to cultivate relationships that would give me a break from her, and no money to put into the home improvement projects that came to a screeching halt after I was taken to the cleaners by my ex, projects that would mean bedrooms for each of my kids.

things will get better. someday I'll have the luxury of free time, friends, and disposable income. I took this on willingly because my kids' well-being was the most important thing to base my decisions on. I didn't want to lose a son to suicide or a daughter to teen pregnancy. I know there are no guarantees that won't happen, but under the influence of a father who allowed no one but himself to be upset or angry or unhappy about anything, where no one was allowed to have a feeling or thought that was uncomfortable for him, those catastrophes, or some similar, were guaranteed.

so for now, I can accept putting 100% into work and my kids and whatever else I can scrape together afterward into my house and earning a side income to help pay off the debt I've taken on the last year, and nothing into my own personal growth, friends, hobbies, or fun. it's temporary. still, sometimes I cry.

if I ever doubt I'm doing the right thing, I can visit my ex-husband's myspace page and read this:
"I rock climb every weekend and am exploring that activity. I like to be outside and see new things. I go out and sing Karaoke several times a week."

he has a personal life, he has hobbies and fun, but he threw his children away as if they were trash in order to have that life.

I'm still here for them. I'm here when they need me the most. there will be time for the other stuff, but there will never be a chance to go back and take care of my kids again. it's now or never.